oh boy!

So I recently found twitter what fun. I’ve been tweeting to see about promoting my design business. I’ve been following several designers and other design related tweeters. I may never feel smart again. Holy cow is there a lot of information out there. I keep thinking that when I can focus on it at home I’ll be able to absorb it — I certainly hope that is the truth. For now I’ll skim and surf and build up the network lines and see where this information overload takes me over the next few months.

only a moment

it’s only a moment
it’s only a breath
it’s only a chance encounter to shake me to my depths

i saw the look, your soul in your eyes
standing in the shadow, looking for the light

i felt your sadness, your desires untold
until the moment your life became a part of my soul

i kissed your lips, i kissed your eyes
at the saddest moment, i said good-bye

lost in our moment
lost in your touch
lost in sadness, never enough

forever etched on my heart
forever loved in my mind
forever waiting after this moment in time

it’s the only moment
it’s the only touch
it’s the only chance we may ever know

mc
1996

discord

tears burning behind the smile

with a tightness in my chest, a rip in my soul

all i want is a moment to forget

a life of non-existance devoid of interesting

what have i become

in my quest to find my place i feel so lost

a moment of restless, a minute of discord

what will become of this life i built

do i own a heart capable of eternal love

do i have a soul for God to even save

a moment of doubt, the restless burning begins

where do i go from here, can i just stand still and wait it out

where do i find a love stronger than my self destruction

a healer of the broken

looking closer and my life feels like a lie

mc
2009

Let the ride begin

So as I ready myself to embark in 6 weeks on my adventure of working from home and making money via the internet I received my business cards today. I designed them last week and I have to admit, I’m a little bit in love with the way they came out. I was nervous that they wouldn’t look as good printed as they do digitally but i was just blown away when I got them today!
When I talk about my designs this way I always feel like a whoa, I’m so impressed with myself — but tbh it’s not that way for me. When I am designing, I get caught up in it, carried away with it – soley focused on what I am designing and when I get done and step back and look at it, it just surprises me that something that pleases me so much came from my abilities. I love the design but I am, at the same time, humbled deeply by the talent God has bestowed inside of me and so incredibly happy to have discovered it and be able to use it to better my life and my family’s life and to be able to create the site or business card or flyer or slideshow or whatever creative thing they need for each of my customers.
I am nervous to be leaving my guaranteed income for something I will really have to pursue to be successful at but so excited too.
Fingers crossed, knees well worn from prayer, feet on the path and spirit and mind focused on the direction and wisdom from God to take me through this journey.

my mother’s daughter

I remember when I was my oldest son’s age (17) and my mom would wake up in the middle of the night 2-3:00 in the morning and be unable to go back to sleep. She still does that to this day, some 18 years later.
Recently I find myself struggling more and more with sleep. Several nights this week I took an Excedrin PM to quiet the brain chatter so I could sleep. It works but it bugs me to take pills to sleep so I find myself reluctant to take them. And here I am at 3 am wide awake while the rest of the family sleeps soundly.
I have always known I was a bit of a night owl, but with a day job still to perform for 6 more weeks this wee hours bit gets a little old. So I write looking to move the non-stop thoughts from my head to the paper so to speak so maybe my mind can rest.
So many things running around in there. The work to-do list, the mommy to-do list, preparing to take this huge leap of faith this summer. It’s a wonder there is ever any down time… sometimes I feel like I’m running wide open non-stop. It’s fairly exhausting.
The alarm clock goes off in an hour thirty. Here is hoping I find some rest before then.

A Moment to Live

I have been working at my current office job for two years as of June 28. My last day at this job is going to be June 23. Then I will take a huge leap of faith and spend the summer trying to make a go of my internet businesses – website design, marketing, blogging and a couple of streams that will come from online stores. I look forward to working all the angles. I only need to make $800 a month to make the same amount of money I make now at my office job (after child care is paid). It seems incredibly reasonable and attainable.

Here’s hoping for a moment to live a life I’ve been dreaming of, of being a success in a business I am passionate about and more time to spend taking care of my family and home.

On another note, Don and I made up quite nicely and life is on an even keel for us again. I’ve slept in our bed every night

A Life Gone Terribly Wrong

10 years ago on Easter Sunday the man who I truly believed to be my soul mate asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. I was overjoyed, ecstatic and head over heels in love.

I had just come out of a terrible marriage that I stayed in for my kids, for my husband, for lots of different reasons and I should not have stayed in it at all. I should have left a lot sooner than I did, but instead I stayed and I was miserable and he was miserable and everything just sucked. I finally got out and promised myself that I would not stay where unhappiness reigned ever again. You only get one life. This one. There are no do-overs so why stay in an unhappy life.

Now ten years later, I find myself wondering if I need to let go. A year ago I got bored at work one day and clicked a banner ad for a game called Evony. I got a bit addicted to the game and that addiction has caused some problems. But more so than my addiction to the game, the attitudes and insecurities it has brought out in my husband have been fascinating and incredibly disheartening.

I have spent the last nine years head over heels in love with a strong, confident, secure man who thought I hung the moon and kissed the stars into being. I’m not saying we haven’t had our problems because believe you me, we have. But through it all I was in love with him and couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

Over the course of the last two years several things have happened. We moved back to Texas where I am surrounded by family and childhood friends and where he only knows the people I know. He was supposed to find a blue-collar job working 40 hours a week but instead he is back in the rent to own business working 6, 13-hour days every week in an incredibly stressful job. When we moved Damon, Tyler and TJ (our oldest three children Damon and Tyler, mine with ex; TJ his with and ex) had to stay in Las Vegas with their other parents. This sucked sooooooo bad but got much worse when my ex decided to move home to Texas but his ex is still in Las Vegas with his son. So now my kids are here and his son is not. His buddies stopped playing xbox and I started playing Evony. That series of events leads to where we find ourselves on the 10th anniversary of our proposal…. about 2 seconds away from divorce.

He will say it is because I am addicted to a video game and that given the choice between my family (him specifically) and Evony that I would chose the game. That is beyond stupid. A year ago I struggled to find the balance between Evony life and real life; almost lost my job over it even. But I did find a balance. (sidenote: if you have never played Evony, I do not expect that you will understand the unbelievable depths to which one can find themselves addicted to this video game.)

Over the course of a year he has become moody, insecure, clingy, and just very different from the man I married. I have no desire to stop playing this game completely and see no reason whatsoever to do so. I have limited my playing times to times when he is not around, either when I am at work or at home until he gets off work. When we have 2-3 days off together, I have limited myself to logging in, checking on things and logging out. I understand that this game can suck your life away – I have seen it firsthand and I am making a choice to spend our time together, together.

Seems like the answer has been found. I have chosen him over the game. When he is home, I am with him – playing video games, blogging together, cooking dinner, yard work, day trips – whatever he would like. Now he says that I am only doing it because I think it will make him happy….. and he is right. I am doing it in the hopes that it will make him happy and he is mad about this. Like call an attorney, I’m done kind of mad…. wtf am I supposed to do?

If I keep playing the game all the time (which btw, I don’t want to do – I absolutely love our time together) then he is mad b/c he feels like that is my whole life and that I prefer that virtual life to my real life. If I stop playing when he is around so that he and I can do more interesting things together he is mad b/c he feels like he’s pressured me into limiting my playtime.

There is much more to all this but I am tired of typing for the night. I wish I had the man I married back. He was strong and confident. He was full of life and hope and laughter. The man I have now is insecure, downtrodden, hopeless, joyless…..

Hello World

Hi ya’ll.

My name is Mony and this is my blog. I love to write and share my thoughts with the world so I hope you enjoy or are at least entertained by the thoughts that fall out of my head.